Why You’re Not Getting Replies

Whether you’re new to an online dating site or an executive member, you’ve no doubt been through the notorious battle of finding a profile you like — a potential match. You swipe through profile after profile to finally find one you like, write a message, and then… nothing? No reply. Complete silence!

It’s never fun to be ignored, especially after nailing the conversation starter. And the situation probably leaves you with one question: what am I doing wrong?

While first messages are a great way to break the ice, the reality is that building an instant connection on an online dating site requires more than that.

How to Join a Dating Site

It can be difficult to find your true love. Online dating sites provide services that make it easier to meet new people, generally using mechanised systems that enhance a user’s ability to find a match and make a personal connection via the Internet.

The goal of these sites is, for the most part, to make sure their users develop personal and romantic relationships. So how does this really work?

Thanks to technology, it’s actually pretty easy. To join an online dating site, you first need to create a profile. Your profile will include personal information such as age, sex, location, etc. Often, the profile contains other information, too — things like hobbies, favourite things, and other personal questions. Once you create your profile, it becomes visible to other users and offers them an opportunity to initiate contact.

With a few exceptions, most online dating sites allow for a diversity of membership. On Zoosk and eharmony, members are matched based on highly specific features like sexual orientation, type of relationship desired, religion, or shared interests.

So, now that you know about creating a profile, let’s dive into why you’re really here: the reason your incredible profile isn’t getting the attention it deserves. Why aren’t you getting replies?

Why Your Messages are Being Ignored (And How to Fix It)

It’s not uncommon for an online dating site user to scroll through dozens of profiles and only pick one to contact. Even still, most users have their profiles and messages ignored. Conversations on these sites seem to fail often. And, in fact, studies show that 76% of initial messages get no reply.

Aside from the most common reason, which is that the individual isn’t interested, this statistic might have a lot to do with the approach. Let’s run through some online dating tips to help you figure out why you’re not getting as many replies as you‘d like.

1. Avoid Cheesy Conversation Starters

It’s possible to have amazing conversations with people you meet online — but if you resort to cheesy texts, you might never have the chance. It will like result in no reply. Avoid using common pick up lines (or pick up lines of any kind!).

Some examples of conversations starters to avoid:

• “Happy Mother’s Day to one sexy mama”
• “Who kept the cookie in the cookie jar? Message me for the answer”
• “Is the heater on or are you always this hot?”
• “Marry me”
• “Let’s make babies”
• “Let’s face it — you are a 9/10” (I call this one running through the scale)
• “Hey Spiderman, put me in your web”
• Or even just, “Hey”

No one will be impressed by pickup lines like these, and you shouldn’t expect a response. At best they’re cheesy, and at worst they can be downright rude. Avoid saying X-rated things when starting a conversation. These types of messages are a sure-fire way to end up with ignored messages. While people like flattering messages and compliments, you don’t want to appear too thirsty. Opt for a  subtle, genuine approach that shows you are interested in getting to know a person.

So, what should you do? The first message is perhaps the greatest challenge. This initial contact will likely determine whether you get a great response or no reply at all.  It’s important to prepare your pitch. Realise that you are, in a way, competing with other users on the dating app or site, so write a message that stands out but remains true to your personality.

Interesting

Reframe ordinary questions into captivating ones. You can go from the typical “Hey there” to “Sorry to bother you, but I have a question for you.” It’s a more intriguing starter that would be more like to provoke a reply.

According to Rachel Seliger, Community Manager at Spark Networks, “If you want to approach someone, try communicating with interest.” People love to talk about themselves. Ask questions about their job, their favourite movie, what best describes them, the last place they traveled to… it will get a conversation going.

Thoughtful

Carefully go through the profile of whoever you want to start a conversation with. If the person likes to travel, the best conversation starter will be you telling her a funny story from the last place you travelled to.

Original and authentic

Avoid the usual “hey” or “hi” and start with a message that shows some creativity. Take advantage of the fact that the online dating site provides you with profiles. This means you have enough information to start a genuine conversation.

Personalised

Try a more personalised approach, but avoid long and boring messages. Christian Rudder, in one of his books, wrote, “Some of the site’s users were sending long introductory emails, but hardly typing anything at all.” You don’t want to be that person. Avoid spewing long, uninteresting stories about yourself. Tailor your message to something you both have in common.

2.  Make Your Profile Intriguing

An online dating site gives you an opportunity to share interesting facts about yourself and ‘show off’ a bit. And the first impression starts with your profile photo.

Like it or not, online dating can be likened to a visual game — and you have to bring your A game. Choose flattering pictures of yourself. They don’t have to be show-stopping, but they should compliment your features. High-quality pictures that show you in your element speak volumes about your personality and traits.

It’s also important to keep your profile as concise as possible. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and then they bore you with their full autobiography. Keep your profile intriguing, short, and precise. Use mystery to your advantage. Share just enough information to make someone feel that they need to know more about you.

3. Don’t Start With Snarky jokes and Humour

Before you crack jokes and use humour, you need to establish a foundation of trust — a connection or common bond between the two of you. You don’t want to jump straight into jokes, as he or she might not share your sense of humour. The situation can quickly move from humorous to messy and awkward.

This is particularly important if you’re having a conversation via text message, where intention can be blurred and messages misinterpreted. Be careful with your jokes.

4. Avoid Coming Off as a Debbie Downer

The last thing you want to do is to talk about your ex in a trashy manner just to gain favour with a potential partner. As tempting as it can be to paint your ex black, don’t give in to it. Talking badly about an ex makes you look bad, and discussing past relationships isn’t a good way to bond with someone new.

In general, avoid complaining while getting to know the person you’re interested in. You don’t want to come off as a nag. It’s internet dating, not a platform to vent, and doing so can make you appear cynical or negative — not traits that tend to attract replies.

5. Don’t Try Too Hard

While the ultimate goal is to turn online dating into in-person dating, it’s important not to come off as too forward or trying too hard. While it’s natural to want to share your strengths and accomplishments, incorporating too much ‘I am’ in your conversations can make you seem self-absorbed and give off the wrong idea. Confidence is different from pride and arrogance.

Be subtle with your success stories. Say something like “I started my business a few years ago. I’m quite fortunate to be where I am now!” The goal is to share and get to know someone. Give your potential partner room to talk about themselves, too. The conversation shouldn’t be all about you.

Wrapping Up

You can increase your chances of building a connection on dating sites by making sure you send quality messages. Become your own police; every time you type a message, proofread before you hit the send button. Keep your energy, pitch, and communication style in check, assessing how your message will be received.

Pay attention to these online dating tips and you can take control of your messages and replies. Watch yourself move from no reply to an inbox full of messages!